Obituary: United States of America (1776 – 2017)


The United States of America, the world’s oldest federation and one of its longest-running representative democracies, passed away Tuesday after a short battle with an unexplained illness. It was 240 years old.

Born on July 4, 1776, the country began as a “great experiment” in self-governance and capitalism. The country’s thesis was that a population, with equal access to information and opportunity, would make decisions to uplift all members of society. This idea has since roundly been disproved.​

The U.S. unexpectedly fell comatose on November 8. By all accounts, the country had been healthier than ever at the time. Studies conducted just days prior projected continued good health until at least 2020. Attempts to wake up the country were unsuccessful.

Following the onset of disease, America’s condition quickly declined. The nation’s major systems, including the separation of powers, checks and balances, and the protection of minority rights by law, rapidly ceased functioning. The country was pronounced brain dead on February 7, 2017, following the confirmation of Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education.

The exact cause of the country’s fatal illness is not yet known. Authorities have not ruled out foul play. Investigations are expected to take place over the next four years.

The United States of America is survived by 324 million children. Donations in the name of democracy may be made to Canada.

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